My past I want to be free from

It was in December 11th in the early 90s (not sure if it was 93 or 92) I saw old people gathering at my parents’ home. I was sitting at my hut’s door. I don’t know how I got to hear my mom had passed away. I started crying then was told to get into the hut. I knew she was sick. The week before she was angry at us because someone had stolen money she had wanted to use to get to the hospital. I used to steal money from her but that i knew I hadn’t stolen. Money she struggled to get. As far as I heard that time, my father had deserted us. I remember my father kicking me with a boot in the stomach because I had insulted my mother and never wanted to do chores. On the day of the funeral, I cried hurtfully. I remember I cried for my aunt to take me with her.
From there on, we were left under the care of my older sister. I and my sister were not getting on so well. More or less the relationship I had with my mom. I remember hitting my sister with a sharp iron on her shoulder back. The scar she still carries today. She would beat me until neighbours came to my rescue. I also remember running away from home because I was afraid I would be beaten because I didn’t want to go to school or had stolen money. My grandmother could come at times to bring us food. My sister then disappeared. I was the older one from the 3 of us. It was now my little sister, 7, and my niece, 9. Because we were studying far, we would walk about 15km to school. We were mostly late which meant we would get beaten at school each day. I remember my teach at Grade 5 beating me so hard for getting full marks in English after changing my handwriting. She believed I had not written my own assignment. We would rely on farmed food in yard to survive. My grandmother would come after her pension to pay for our transport and buy maize meal. At times, our friends would steal food from their homes to give us. We would play hide and seek. Sometimes I would beat my little sister and niece because of my frustration and short temper. I remember my father sending home big steel wool rolls and biltong which my mother would send us to sell in the neighbourhood. I remember having fights with old and young neighbours. Sometimes we used objects to fight. I have never won a fist fight in my youth. One day my brother came from the college and found us lying in the sand under a hot sun. We had not eaten any proper meal for days. The following year he graduated from his teaching studies. I remember having a habit of wetting my bed until I was 12. I would be beaten for wetting my bed. Sometimes I didn’t wake up until I could feel the bed was dry because of fear. After my brother got a job, he had a girlfriend whom they later separated. I was moved to a closer school where I studied Venda despite my father’s objection of us studying Venda for political reasons. In 1995, we were moved back to a school where we were attending the year before. In one Easter holidays we went to visit my dad in Alexandra. It was the first time I had seen my dad after some years. I remember my father once beat my both my brothers until their arms were broken with an iron bar. My other brother was staying boarding school. I don’t remember him ever staying in the village with us. I remember wanting to be like him and stay somewhere other than home. I remember when my mom was still alive I stayed at my two aunts on two occasions. In 1995, I and my little sister were sent to my uncle’s; thus we can be closer to school. I remember feeling unloved. I would make up stories to my friends about how badly treated where I was. I even went as far as saying that all my father’s assets were mine because I was the youngest boy in the family; thus I will give the house in Alexandra to my other brother and big brother will get nothing. This talk reached my brother’s ear who then called me home one weekend. He beat me up so hard I was left tired. In the same year, I started drinking traditional beer with friends. My class performance started to be affected that my class position moved from 11th in Easter, 22 in winter and 33 the final year. I passed. The following year, I moved to high school in another village (Chavani). I think I asked to study there. My brother’s new girlfriend hailed from the village. I stayed at her parents’. My brother also moved in there. In the same year I got very sick that I stayed out of school for about a month. I remember once when I had I fought with some guy because I was dating his sister. In 1997, when we came back from Alexandra to visit my dad, my brother told us he won’t pay for our school fees because my father had not given us enough money. I took a bus to my other brother in the University of Venda, where he was studying. I told him what my big brother said. He came home with me. The matter was resolved. All I remember is that we were sitting at the corner of the yard instead of the house. I couldn’t qualify for mathematics class because my final year mathematics results were below par. I had a fight with my sister in law, I think it had to do with me not getting food because I didn’t do household chores. I threatened her with an axe. I was beaten by brother until I helplessly collapsed. I left home and slept wherever I could but I was afraid of my brother. I was not attending school very well yet I managed to get into the top 8 in class. We would visit my father every school holidays. I remember when my father took me to Joburg with him to buy me clothes. Upon my return, he put me in a taxi and instructed the taxi driver to drop me at Elim. Along the way, the driver decided against passing by Elim. He dropped people going to Elim at Louis Trichardt. I didn’t get off until Thohoyandou after the driver asked me where I was going. I was still young. In the taxi queue to Elim I cam e across my grandmother. I remember her telling people in the taxi that it was my entire father’s fault that I got lost.
I then met my cousin (Steven) from another village in 1998 who invited me to visit. I was a good admirer of Lucky, my cousin. My siblings tried to distance me from him or compare myself to him. He wore good clothes and had girlfriends. I wanted to be like him because I thought he was street smart. On my visit to my cousin, I borrowed clothes from him. There I met a girl on my first day. We fell in love. I would frequent the village, sometimes skipped school. I never slept with her. There was only one day when I hit her with a belt because she never wanted to have sex with me. But deep inside I knew I didn’t know anything about sex. My peers were always asking me if I had slept with her which led me to try forcing her. From that day I did not frequent the village. After a couple of weeks of my not seeing her, I went again to see her. When she told me she had found another girlfriend, I didn’t stay long. It was the last time I would speak to her. In 1999, I became friends with my cousin, Jeffrey, who was popular for his rebelliousness in the village. I even moved, without my parents’ consent because the two families didn’t get along from years back, to stay at his parents’ because his parents were always in Joburg. He had group of friends whom we would smoke dagga with. He was known to force girls to love him. While there I met a girl, Zanele, on the 21st of February. It was a relationship that was to last for about 5 years. From thereon I would go fetch her on weekends to spend a night with me. I would frequent her village almost every day to see her. Sometimes I would skip school. She had once come to school to beat a girl whom she had heard I was dating. I also remember her ex threatening to beat me up because I was dating her. I failed my grade that year. In Christmas holidays I refused to go visit my father because I was afraid he would beat me up as I had failed at school. The following year I returned home and attending school. I had no room to sleep, which I still don’t; thus I slept in the kitchen where they made fire. I would sleep with chickens. I remember the house was leaking in that year of heavy rain. My bed would be wet but I did not leave the house. My sister would warn me about the house falling but I didn’t move an inch. I would read Shangaan and English short story books while rain was pouring in. I remember one story about the story of this poor girl whose parents passed away and I would lose myself in it and couldn’t notice the house falling. My brother forced me to move to the semi finished house. I was not going to school because all rivers were full and we couldn’t pass. I remember I nearly had sex with a very little girl. By luck I passed my grade in that year despite not attending quarter of school period. In December my friend passed away. I was distraught with fear that I’ll be next but I later learned he was sick from early age. I was in Alexandra visiting my dad when I got the news. Upon returning home, my uncle gave me money to give to his wife. I ate that money. My brother would beat me for that until I bled. I remember the whole family even went to holidays in the Easter in the Kruger Park without me. I would dream that one day I would get lots of money and get my own place somewhere away from home. I would fight with everyone at home and neither ate nor slept home for days. I remember my dad would send home 25ltr water bottles which I would sell to get money. Because my girlfriend’s parents were always away in Joburg mid school, I would move in some weeks to stay with her while going to school. I remember my brother beating my sister with ketsi’s until he got arrested. He also beat my sister in law until she ran away. One weekend my girlfriend, whom my family had come to accept, would come to my place for a weekend. I remember beating her badly and used a broom stick, then told her not to cry. It was my temper which am still suffering from now. Then I cheated on her with a girl from my neighbourhood. Her boyfriend threatened to stab me but I relented. Neither my brother nor anyone in the village approved of the relationship. I would lock her in my room for a week. Sometimes I would sneak into her parents’ place. My brother beat me up badly with a hammer. I was left confused that I even went to the chief to ask for help as no one wanted anything to do with us from both families. We then separated. I finished my matric. I enrolled at Boston Media House. I didn’t last for 3 months because I felt like an outsider. I remember my dad hitting me with a kettle because I told him he can take his money for school fees as he didn’t want to buy me a computer. I dodged classes the whole year without my father’s knowledge. I forged school results to show I passed. I was afraid he would beat me up and send me back home. I changed schools. I separated with my long time girlfriend after I saw her with another man whom I had been told she’s dating. I slapped her in front of people and called her a ‘bitch’. I would remain out of dating until I met my current wife. I was now dreaming of my future and I would use dagga to help me cope. I remember being taken to hospital because of overdose. I completed my diploma. 2 years passed by without getting a job. I remember leaving home and stay with my brother after my dad discovered I had stolen his tools.
This bad side of me doesn’t not mean I never enjoyed life but this is the side that I think still plays a role the way I think and act currently despite numerous attempts to change. I hope my telling people about it will help strengthen my cause for change into a person I have come to define myself to be.