To be afraid

What makes anyone scared? Is fear justifiable?



There are kinds of fear that one cannot avoid. Some are justifiable fears. But what about being told about fears that you have no knowledge of. Should you be scared? Will the fear be justifiable? My answer can be 'yes'. You can be scared for recieving information about being told that you are scared. Fear gives me hope! Hate gives me strength!


What I'm trying to achieve is the reliance on my inner power to keep my well being sustained. I have not any evidence that show that there's someone I do not like much or I need them more than they need me. That's very scary! While learning to be afraid, it is improbable to smile because the two do not equate.



Be very afraid!



What would you do when you're branded as uncompromising while in contrary you're expected to compromise. I get very afraid of those who brand me. No man is unable to direct his own future for his very own selfish gains. And I'm no exception.
Quite lately, I have tried to reach out t people in a very nice way. Perceptually, this showed my extroverted side. However, I have found it loyally reasonable to hang out a lot during weekends. This due to certain circumstances that affect my pocket badly. Buying booze does not help a lot. I have found that people will normally expect me to supply their drinking needs, something I have come detest lately. Secondly, there's this fine lady in the neighbourhood. 'Yes, the one I once said she told her friends that I'm in love with.' I'm not saying that I have no interest but I'm saying that I hardly force people to like me. I expect people, for example, if we are love, to know that all requirements for love to grow must be met openly.
I'll be very afraid to tell her again that we should sleep together.
Why?
Because I asked her on Saturday, just to have the time for me. Her response, 'not today'.
I did not react because I never react to situations. I diverted my attention to something.
Proactive plan: To move or not to move? Because she talk loudly, I'll listen to her words but patiently awaiting for sign to take swift action about her being ready.
If that does not work then I can gladly admit failure.
I will be more watchful to her being clingy. I do not expect her or anyone to ask me for money. So if she can be clingy in love then, I'm off.
But drinking alcohol for this period is not my favourite hobby.

For the love of money

Everyone under the sun freedom is number one. Please sing my song of financial freedom.

Trading shares has become another adventure that I would love to master in coming months and for the rest of my earthly life.

After reading some info about share trading on the net, I got the impression that share trading is not necessarily about making a quick buck but something that can be viewed as an adventure while big bucks are coming in. This adventure does not exclude thinking and taking chances for a quick buck.
I am personally someone who does not mind having difficult times even when I'm viewed as stubborn or pretending to be in control. Whoever thinks I'm bossy will not be further from the truth. The context of a boss in the love of money is way out. What I can assert is that if I feel bossed around I keep queit, but as an easy person it is not hard to see that I do not like it.
I have learned as well that people who have the love of money are not necessarily well liked but people whom we can learn to live with. This minimal popularity has a lot to do with the fact that the love of money can give one a single minded pursuit toward achievement. In this instance people like me could not be take advises about their personality because that's not what they care about.
What do they care about?
Money?
Yes, money and working hard for that money motivates them greatly. And I'm no exception.
I can be irritable at times. But who doesn't?
This an affinity that I will come master after registering with my bank to trade shares in the coming days. I'm waiting for your criticism which I'll listen to but hardly take because if it's not related to my achieving excellence then what hell!

The Lure of Love

Love is blind. Love is not blind. My lover is blind. My lover is not blind. Love sees what matters. My lover sees what matters.
Over the past few days, I have been stunned by someone who screamed their love for me. She told her friends how much she loves me. I was sitting just about 10metres away from her, constantly making contact. I and her live near each other; less than 100 metres away. She is cute, I can say, but her words left me blushing and, somewhat, shy. No one in my entire life has openly declared their love for me. Not to say I do not appreciate her openly declaring her passion, but it took me by surprise that she was so strong about it. It left me wondering how would I learn to affectionately appreciate love in a very open manner. Okay! One incident that bring doubt to the ordeal is, we were drinking.
Eish! Her name. Lebogang.
I do not think she had forgotten what she said the day after, but on that evening something that confirmed her feelings was an extremely passionate kissing we engaged in. Still, publicly. I personally enjoyed it.
The thing with me in relationships, is that I want to have sex to know that there's some chemistry going on between I and her. While wanting to have sex is not a bad thing, since there was an article which I have read about relationships stating that women like to feel emotionally connected to know that they are in love, while man want to have sex to connect with their partner.
Stating the good news only will not help either. In all honesty, having sexual intercourse with her would wonderful.
Another thing in me is the other women who are her friends as well. This confuses me because I think I would love to engage not only socially with them, but sexually. This might sound a bit immoral. I understand! I'm trying to reflect the truth about me, that's all.
In the lure of love I hope more will prevail.

The art of leadership

I have never been a leader in my comfort zones. But the art of leadership is articulated in many books, to my questioning their viability. However, I have found myself questioning as well the ability of leaders within my zone. How I got the to question everything, I do not understand because I have no flipping idea how it is like to be in a leadership position.
I cannot limit myself to giving preffered style of leadership, provided I was a leader of some sort. Political leadership is the most complicated of them all. People, in politics, have to raise their issues without fear repudiation. I imagine, in vain, a political meeting where issues and direction that should be taken, how I can control the situation which become unsettling. Therefore, the art of persuasion becomes the only reason why I should gain perspective to ensure the issues on the agenda get resolved with diligent satisfaction. I'm boldly stating that persuasion is an effective and efficient method that the true art of leadership requires. I have doubts about my ability to have influence and win the confidence of others.
Firstly, my communication can easily become an emotional baggage. Some people can assert that I have leadership, but how do they validate their conclusion surprise me. I have come to regard myself as an insignificant individual who has unrealistic perception about himself and his abilities. Secondly, my need to be have lovable power elude me. Power to me is about people understanding when they can push me. I can confidently assert I'm stubborn enough to hate taking orders from others. But lately, I have felt very much soft and rather being taken advantage of as a consequence.
I do not think averyone can be a leader, myself included. But I'm bad in taking advise, as well.
My ideal quality of leadership: To make people love themselves. My listening to them and have them do whatever they like thereafter without asking me to do it for them. Have them know what they need to achieve and let them find the how.
This remain an ideal since I can not make out why I'm sometimes moody and feel good about it and that does not make me an ideal candidate for leadership position. Another factor is my looth for conversations which relate to anything about anyone. What I know is that I have my own preferences. The phrase by John Nash, from the movie, A beautiful mind, I have come to relate to. He stated,'I do not like people much, but I also found out that people do not like me much either.' I also have insecurities that I cannot figure out. For instance, I have set myself an impressive plan to date nice women, but till now, I have not managed to make a move on anyone. How unrealistic! My selfishness, entreched impatience and confusion have become part of my leading my life. In my thinking I cannot bear the good thing about life, let alone a good advise, becuase I just, without reason, can't. It's like saying 'I want to be good, but I seem not to get to goodness.'

In the centre of attention

There's a love of attention on everyone's inner yearning, and I'm no exception. But this love of attention, I learned, should be done with enough tact and quality. 'Qualitative love of attention!'.
Yes, the sought of attention should be performed.
There are certain friendly, but rather intention doubtful people in my circle of friendshood that I have found to want to impress a lot. On the past weekend, 12 September 2008, I went for an overdrive that landed me into trouble I would like to avoid for the rest of my life. I got arrested on friday night for a stupid public drinking. Okay, to have you know how did it started, I will detail to you.
On friday, I had not enough money to buy myself even a drink. What did I do?
I borrowed R20.00 from my niece. I do not like having large debts because it gives me a fright all the time. I bought beers with my friends, who have lately enjoyed my spending habits to the extent that some of them thought of me as someone being taken advantage of. Being taken advantage of might be true, but I do not want to entertain that idea because I allocate money everytime to have fun and I have no desire to lose all my money based on the perception that someone think I'm a fool. R20.00 was not enough. My beers were finished within an hour. Because I have made a costly mistake to live with people who are poor, they had no money to finance their drinking habits, thus I fit the bill. You see, I do not mind buying people useless things like alcohol, because I know that it only hold them back. Another overdrive! Because I have an intention of sleeping with most of these girls, I took another risk. I went to the owner of the shebeen to give me six beers. I had no money, but I managed to persuade her to give me in exchange that she hold my phone until I find money to repay her. It wasn't a lot of money, anyway. This state of risk has been entrenched by the books that I read all the time. Business literature encourage risk.
Why did you have you phone held by someone in exchange of mere alcohol, shouldn't you have gone home? No. I wanted to be the centre of attention before the eyes of two girls, specifically. I wanted them to let it go and admit their love for me, say yes to my urge to have sleep with me. I was winning, until one girl from these two said she was going to a night virgil. Thank you!
I suggested we go together; which she didn't refuse. In my head it was a 'bingo'. She decided we take a beer with us. To which I did not say 'no'. Off we go, after I had changed my clothes to something warm, since it was late and a bit cold. We were three, including a friend of hers. After a short distance, she was calling 'baby'. Inside was the feeling of insecurity but I resisted it. She proposed a baby kiss, to which I didn't say yes, but I manipulated that by going for a very deep kiss that felt so good. We walked for a distance, talking. Then she walked further from me. I was left to walk with her friend. It made me a bit uncomfortable because I also wanted to sleep with. I was confident that I will sleep with either one of them.
Then the unfortunate happen! Lights on, police vehicle from nowhere in front of me! Good gracious! What did I do now? Ooh, I know what I did. I was holding a beer with my hand, in public. What next? I did not try to bribe the police who are popular of taking bribes. I apologised, humanly, but to no avail. I let it go and got into a police vehicle. Luckily, the girls I was with were not arrested. I slept in jail for the night and I was released on bail of R300.00 the next evening. It was another set back that I would love not to get myself into again and ever, because the three hundred was borrowed from another person. I hate credit.
Finally, I would persevere with my pursuit of attention, but I will also try to get myself out of unnecessary trouble that lead to my using my money to resolve it.

How I want to work

Someone I cannot remember once said,'What ever you do just do it with all your passion and painstaking planning.' It's an ideal I would love to work towards that ideal.

Work is not something to love but it is 'must' like when a genius want his work done to perfect completion. Here I'm refering to healthy obsession about what one does. This need of thoroughness I should apply in whatever task I undertake. I'm not saying I will not be making mistakes but I'll be trying hard to do something with detailed desire and precision of a surgeon. It is widely true that everyone has an innate need to do anything to a point of perfection, but that has nothing to do with me at the moment. It's a single minded desire that I have so far. This thorough desire for organized working style I should apply from every 'small' viewed task such as doing filing to longstanding, from advertising to writing, from marketing to sex. Now you have it! I have a desire, so please pray for me. It's a maddening experience, a need to do something better than one has done it before, a need to take every task as a matter that need undivided completion and manageability. I cannot confirm that to achieve this yearning requires above average intellect, but I have a feeling that average people like me can reach it if they let nothing stand in their way to accomplish this rather painful but notoriously rewarding adventure. I admit to not have learned this skill at an early stage.

The wide desire to be good at what i do does not mean there can be any distinction between my not so pleasant behaviour. I don't not value my behaviour so much because I find it very irrelevant to my pragmatic nature. Being true to myself is a necessity.

This ideal does not require me to be a super showman, but to have a background of how, why I want to achieve the ideal. Here, I'm not refering to my seclusion from dependence to other people. No! It's far from that.

To forge ahead with this vision of 'pursuit of excellence', will abviously require me to compromise a lot and doing so will not give me that enough peace, but hey, something have to be painful to be exceptional. I'm also not trying to transform myself into a superhero but the expression of genuine interest. I'm an admire of people who are thorough, efficient and organized. I try to learn the practicality of being painfully organized. Although I have been described as energetic and everything that links me not to intelligent personality, I'm willing to strive to excellence.

Things Fall Apart

The tendency for me to be outspoken has reached a point where one must sit back and learn to tolerate oneself. Over the past few weeks I have been in a state of doubt about the route I was taking to let my adventurous spirit fly. Socrates is the ancient philosopher who I have come to admire for his provocative rhetoric. Always a questioner, 'What if we think what we do is the right while it is actually the wrong?' I come to the thinking that everyone wants to do the right thing in their life. Back to me, I have met many interesting people over the past weeks. Most of those I took interest on were women. This due to the fact that I have wanted to date very beautiful women only. Luckily, I got to talk to some of them and I have insisted on growing the friendship to the next level. I can't find anything to credit for this stroke of, but because of i'm in the process of smoothing my attitude and thinking to have edible persuasion that ensure I get into sexual intercourse with most of them, easily. There was a party that I went to. I was invited by my friend, who was invited by his girlfriend to her friend's party. I sensed we were to have a good time. When we arrived we were introduced to most attendees. Know anything about the law of attraction? Love at first sight? Something like that? I got to meet a girl whom I knew first hand that I want to speak to her as long as fate allows. I introduced myself to her with Abraham Lincoln like honest. Because I took her number, I explained to her why I will not talk to her 'we are all drinking.'
You see, I learned that going out sometimes help because I got to meet people I would not meet if I was staying home. I have come to admit that i'm an extrovert who would like to be liked and attracted to many beautiful things in life.
Through that experience, I have come to realise that I need to manage my finances rather i intelligently and responsible. This means I have to have a budget for fun while having lots of money left for the rest of the month. I have applied for a credit card that has been approved and it should be on its way soon. Why I applied for credit card? I want to make sure that I always have a positive balance, which can give me enough points on the eyes of the creditors. I will love to maintain a positive balance of R1,000,00 every month.
The market: I want to project and act myself as 'myself' who is positoned in the social cycle of the middle class. This does not mean that I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses, but a projection that is compatible to the life I would love to live if I choose where to be born and to live.
The Life: As my intention to live life as a lust is something I can attempt, the life characterised by risk, passion and surprises seem to follow me even when I try hard to evade it. I have decided to let it be.